world.
Here is a line I heard yesterday from a very pretty
woman in her late twenties while waiting for my
Cappuccino at a local Starbucks:
"Things between Robert and me heated rather
quickly. Within three months, we were not only
moved in with each other but I was already going to
the bathroom in front of him."
To borrow a line from South Park: "What, What,
Whaaat??" Believe me, I understand what the young
lady was trying to relay: she was trying to explain
that the feelings between her and Robert were deeper
than mere attraction. They loved and trusted each
other enough to perform otherwise private functions
in front of each other. I get it.
The question is why is it necessary to debase yourself
in the process? The act of using the bathroom (with
the exception of some really exceptional rare
circumstances) should always be private. Especially
for women. Yes, I will admit it is a lot easier for men
to whip it out in front of each other — think public
restroom urinals just about anywhere in the world.
However, heterosexual men are attracted to women
because women are different. If they wanted someone
just like themselves, construction workers would be
marrying each other in masse every other Saturday
right there at the construction site! But they do not.
Men want women for the very reason they complain
to not understand them: women are mysterious and
enigmatic. Women have hundreds of baffling bottles
of unidentified products that crowd shower stands.
Women spend hours undercover, locked in their
bedrooms while engaged in some shady activities,
after which they can emerge and knock men out with
their beauty. Men find it maddening yet frightful and
exciting at the same time. That's because men are
hunters by nature. When they see something that
baffles them, they must conquer and possess it. So
ladies, to keep your men perpetually in awe, certain
things should be kept private. You clearly understand
by now that your toilet routine tops the list. That's
pretty clear.
Here are some other things, however, that may not
be as obvious, and that should also be kept private:
1. Your makeup routine.
Every morning, New York City Public transportation
sees scores of blurry-eyed women balancing with
filled-to-the-brim makeup cases on their laps. Some
of them will powder their noses. Some will fix
lipstick. Still, others will go from totally bear to full
on Kim Kardashian caked on face. Ladies, if you
simply cannot fit your makeup routine into your
morning rush hour craziness, then the answer is very
simple. Set your alarm clock for 30 minutes ahead
(told you it would be simple).
Makeup is a very private grooming procedure, not
unlike shaving for men, and should be performed in
private. What would you think if a man broke out a
full shaving kit on the subway and proceeded to
shave? Shocking, right? But the principal is the
same: private grooming should stay private.
Similarly, if you need to fix your lipstick after dinner
or blot your oily face after a night of dancing, please
avail yourself of the facilities that are always
available in places like restaurants and clubs. None
of us wish to watch your face powder flying into your
plate as we are having dinner. Especially not your
boyfriend.
2. Remove hair.
Don't worry; I am yet to witness any woman giving
herself hot wax in a subway car (but I have a feeling
that one day I will). However, I have seen plenty of
women armed with tweezers angrily ripping small
stubbles from various parts of their faces, all while
being surrounded by seemingly indifferent fellow
commuters.
Ladies, just because we don't projectile vomit (only
because we were brought up right), does not mean we
are not disgusted. If we don't say anything while
unwillingly observing your battle with unwanted
facial hair, it's because we have a mouthful of your
rejected hairs and we are afraid to open our mouths
for fear of that same projectile vomiting we have been
trying so hard to contain. It is even worse for a man
to watch his beloved do it at home. One of the things
he loved most about you was how smooth and
feminine your face was….Oops!
3. Pop a pimple.
Seriously ladies, I do sympathize with acne. I am no
stranger to that one unexplained zit that never fails
to show up during your most important occasions —
like a first date or your best friend's wedding. Just
like I am no stranger to the same dermatological
discourses on the adverse affect zit-popping can have
on the rest of your face that we all have heard. And
as much as I may agree with that discourse, I have to
admit that sometimes the best way to fight the little
menace is to claw him out once and for all. But must
you do it in public?
Do we need to witness the losing battle, which
usually ends in blood? Plus, if done in the privacy of
your home, blood can be contained and disarmed
with some Peroxide. What happens when you decide
to fight that battle in the middle of a crowded
restaurant? Will you just let the rivers of blood flow
into your spaghetti? Or worse, leave it on your face
for all of us to see and immediately ask for our checks
to empty out of the venue while being violently ill
ourselves? Don't make us ill, ladies. If you must fight
those suckers, please do so in privacy. Privacy
includes your boyfriend. No one should be privy to
your zit popping routines — nobody!
4. Cut your toenails. Let me start by saying that as
women, we all know the benefit of a good pedicure.
We also know that sometimes, in between pedicures,
we need to have a quick fix. I get it. But do you need
to do it in front of your boyfriend? Does the site (or
even the thought) of him cutting his toenails gets you
aroused in any way? So why do you think he is any
different? Just because your toenails bear nail polish,
does not mean they may not go flying into his eye
just as he was admiring your silky hair and thinking
how lucky he was to have a hot girlfriend like you.
And it's difficult for him to notice how awesome you
look in your beautiful new cocktail dress if he has a
toenail clipping lodged in his right eye. Keep it
private, ladies. Keep it private.
Keeping these activities private will certainly improve
your relationship. Do you agree? Share your thoughts
in the comments!
Disclaimer: Opinions expressed in comments are
those of the comment writers alone and does not
reflect or represent the views of Somayina.
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